He told me to let my life bear much fruit and reflect the gospel. To let those things be clearly displayed though my actions and the way I live my life. The only problem is that, I don’t know how to do that. Sure I can walk the walk and talk the talk, but I’m having a hard time with my faith. And it’s a constant battle between God being so good and me not accepting that. A furious fight in my mind that accepts that God is just what I need, and wanting something else, something more, even thought that doesn’t exist. Sometimes, if not all times, things that happen in my life determine how I feel about God at that moment in time, even though that’s not something that I like to admit. It’s hard for me not to be angry with Him when things don’t go my way, even thought that sounds like the most childlike thing to do. And it’s easy for me to love him with no end when things are going right. I wish that I could constantly just be satisfied with Jesus. Knowing that He is more than enough for me. One of my other posts was something that God just spoke to me while I was ranting to Him. And he commented on that and hopes that I would live more like that, and not just think those things but show them in my life. It’s a battle between me and God, and it’s not as easy as that. I just don’t know how to show this love I have for God through my actions and I don’t know how to bear much fruit. The only thing I know is that I desperately want that, and in a way it is for him. But there’s a huge part of me that just wants it for myself and for my relationship with God. To be honest, I feel like if I was able to express this supernatural love I have for God, that he would love me more. And I know I would love someone more if they were able to express this love they have for God and they were able to be a spiritual leader. I just want this. I want so badly to be such a woman of God. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and I want to love God more than anything else on the face of this earth and to never let anything change that. So God, I’m telling you now. I want that. I want to love you more. I don’t want to let things get in the middle of our relationship and I don’t want circumstances to change the way I feel about you. Please help me to figure out how to bear much fruit. Let my life show that I love you and let my life show that I have a deep and meaningful relationship with you. Please don’t let it be for anyone else than myself. I know you love me, but I want to love you back just as much. Help me to do that, because I can’t do it on my own. I’m so helpless and I am not worthy of you. I don’t have anything and I need you, now and forever more.
"I’m gonna steer clear, oh yeah, I’d burn up in your atmosphere, i’m gonna steer clear, cause I’d die if I saw you, I’d die if I didn’t see you there, see you there. Think I’m gonna stay, gonna stay in the gray, think I’m gonna stay, gonna stay, and the street lights say never mind, never mind, and the canyon lines say never mind, the sunset says we see this all the time, never mind, never you mind. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I wonder where I am in my relationship to you. Wherever you go, wherever you are, I watch your life play out in pictures from afar."
This song gets me every time I listen to it. The lyrics resonate so deep in my heart and just make me think. When you lose someone all you want to do is steer clear of them, but all you want is also to just be so close to them at the same time. Maybe staying in the gray separates us from really facing the truth and realizing that we need to move on, to grow up and to in a sense, go to LA. We’re always going to be watching from afar, and maybe for a while that’s okay, always going to be wondering what our relationship with them is at that point in time. But there’s a point where were going to have to give that up. And see that staying in the gray isn’t going to get us anywhere, it isn’t going to get us to LA, it’s going to keep us stagnant and constantly pondering the should of been’s and could be’s. It all comes to the point where you have to decide if all this is worth holding onto or if maybe it’s just something that happened and something that you have to move on from. Giving that up is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, but maybe it’s good and maybe it’ll get you to places you never thought you would ever go.
“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.”
"God, where are you in all of this?" I ask myself. "I’m right here" he answers. I’m more near than you ever could have imagined. I’m there holding your hand when you have tears streaming down your face. And I’m there standing next to you when you don’t know what to say. My daughter, I’m three steps ahead and also behind. I’m with you at every corner, every intersection, at every step. And when you don’t feel me, that doesn’t mean I have disappeared. He says to me, "Teka, I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with unfailing kindness, and I will never let you go." "Through every storm, through every drought, I will be there. When things go wrong, and when things get hard, I will be there. When your day brightens and the clouds roll away, I will be there. And when you feel unloved, daughter, know that I am loving you back even harder." "He may not feel for you the way that you want him to, and that’s okay. Because I love you, more than you will ever know."